There is no doubt about it, I definitely lost my writing mojo. I originally started writing this post back in January (hence the title), it's crazy to think that was seven months ago already. Back then I spent a lot of time reflecting on all that I had achieved in previous years and spent time thinking about what I wanted to achieve in 2019. Usually I head into the year with lots of plans already made, but this year was different and I struggled to find the desire to want to do a lot. In all honesty that feeling hasn't left me throughout the year, there is no reason for it that I can put my finger on but it is still there. I usually find that I love having things to look forward to but recently it has made me feel so anxious.
At the time of planning and organising something I'm excited and like the idea of what I have planned but then once it's finalised and the day gets closer I get this feeling of dread wash over me, my stomach ties itself in knots, my heart races and I want nothing more than to drop out and cancel. This isn't the first time I have had this feeling. It happened a few years ago when I was going through my break up with my ex-husband but it used to come and go, this year it has been constant. The thing is I have no idea why I get it because as soon as I get to where I've planned to be I always have a great time and end up asking myself what all the fuss was about. But that doesn't stop it happening again and again the next time I have plans to do something. Even writing this now is making me want to be sick, I know it is silly but I just can't explain it.
It has meant that I haven't been saying yes to things as much as I usually would. The second year into my 40 Before 40 list wasn't anywhere near as successful as my first and I have taken far fewer photos than I usually would.
I know I need to take control of it and push myself to do more so that the situation doesn't get any worse and I am trying. I have started making more plans over the past couple of weeks and intend to keep doing so. Looking back over 2019 so far I have still achieved a fair bit but I don't feel as though I have done as much as I usually have by this point in the year and I want to change that for the last four months of 2019. I guess it is important not to compare though, we are always changing, life is always changing. It's a journey and it's a case of seeing where it takes us.
Writing this has reminded me though how much I enjoy writing and how much I have missed it, so hopefully I will be able to continue to post more frequently. I often think whether to continue with this space here or not but I do enjoy looking back on old posts. It's surprising how quickly we forget some of the things we do or achieve in life and the little things can easily pass us by, so being able to document things here is a good reminder. So for now it's time for a change, and time to take control back this life of mine.
~ Gem x